What The F**k Your SEO is Actually Charging You For (And Why It's a Scam)

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Have you ever been quoted 15,000 pounds a month for

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SEO as a small business and wondered what the actual

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fuck you're paying for? Yeah, that's a real quote from a

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real client. Today I'm teaching you how to spot these

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chances before they empty your bank account.

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This is SEO. Fucking what? I'm Nicky and I've

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been doing SEO since before Google even existed, before it

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was called SEO, when we were optimizing for our AltaVista and

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Infoseek. I help small business owners make money from

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their websites by actually getting found online. And I do it

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all by being as non wanky as I can.

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Now, a quick note before we start. I want as many people

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as possible to hear this episode because I'm sick of seeing small

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businesses get ripped off. And look, the reason

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I'm loud and sweary on this podcast is isn't just because I love

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the attention or just because I like to shock. It's

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because I really and actually do care about small

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businesses and about the future of the SEO industry that I

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love. If shouting louder than the latest hustle bro

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flogging a course on LinkedIn gets people's attention, I'll do

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it. But my lovely mum keeps telling me that you catch more flies

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with honey than vinegar. So I've tried to tone it down a bit for this

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one. We'll see how long it lasts. This is a two

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parter. Today in part one, I'm covering the red

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flags that should have you running for the door, the questions that make

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dodgy SEO squirm, and the services that are usually a

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complete waste of your budget. And then next week in part two,

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I'll show you what good SEO actually looks like, what it should cost,

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and how to find legitimate help. Let's crack on, shall we?

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Let's start with the red flags. And honestly, some of these are

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so obvious I shouldn't have to say them. Clearly,

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I do, because people keep falling for this rubbish. Your

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red flag, number one is guaranteed rankings.

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We'll get you to number one on Google. No. No, they

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won't. And here's why. Nobody, and I

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mean absolutely nobody, can guarantee specific

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rankings. Not me, not them, not

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even Google themselves. Google uses hundreds

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of ranking factors the algorithm changes constantly.

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We're talking thousands of tweaks every year with major

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updates dropping several times a year. And guess what? Your

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competitors aren't sitting on their asses doing nothing. They're

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optimizing too. So anyone promising you specific

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rankings is either lying through their teeth or

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planning to use dodgy techniques that will eventually get your site

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penalized, and either way, you lose. So when

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someone guarantees you'll be number one, what they're really saying

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is, I think you're gullible enough to fall for this. Don't

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be. Mysterious.

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Proprietary techniques they can't explain. And I

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love this one. We use our exclusive proprietary ranking

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methodology that. That we can't discuss in detail, which. Basically

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means we're making this up as we go along. Real

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SEO isn't a secret sauce. It's not a magic

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spell. It's methodical work. There are advanced

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techniques and some of it gets quite technical, but a

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genuine expert should be able to explain their approach in terms you

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can understand. If they can't, or more likely

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they won't, they're hiding something. And that something

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is usually their own incompetence. I've had clients come

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to me after paying agencies thousands of pounds. And when I

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ask what the agency did, they have no idea. None.

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Because the agency deliberately kept them in the dark. That's

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not expertise, that's a con.

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Contracts with no clear deliverables. And

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this one does get to me. Watch out for contracts that specify

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monthly payments, but are mysteriously vague about what you'll

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get. SEO services £2,000amonth. Okay,

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so what services? What are you getting for that money? Proper

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SEO proposals should include specific deliverables,

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technical audits, content creation schedules,

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reporting frameworks, implementation timelines. You should know

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exactly what you're paying for. If your contract

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or your invoice just says SEO services without any detail,

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you're probably paying for fresh air with a side of disappointment and

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some automated reports that don't mean anything. Red flag

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number four. The special Google access Nonsense.

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We have insider connections at Google. We have special

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insight into the algorithm. Absolute rubbish. Total and utter

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bollocks. Sorry, mum. Google guards its ranking

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systems like they're the crown jewels. Even most Google

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employees don't have detailed knowledge of how the algorithms work.

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The search quality team keeps that information locked down tight.

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Anyone claiming special access or insider knowledge is talking out

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of their ass. End of story. Move on immediately.

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Red flag number five. Suspiciously cheap

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packages that promise everything. Complete SEO services

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for £99 per month. Month. If it sounds too good to be

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true, it's because it probably is. Quality

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SEO takes time, expertise and effort. None of those

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things come cheap. These bargain basement offerings typically involve

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automated tools, copy and paste AI content and

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generic optimization that delivers no value. Do

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you know what you get for £99amonth? You get someone running your

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site through an automated audit, slapping together a generic

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report and calling it a day. That's not SEO. That's a

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waste of 99 pounds. The saying goes, if you pay

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peanuts, you get monkeys. And in SEO, sometimes

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those monkeys actively damage your site.

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Now let's talk about the questions that make dodgy SEO

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squirm. These are your secret weapons.

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Ask these and watch their reactions carefully. Question

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1 How exactly will you measure success?

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Beware of agencies that focus solely on rankings or traffic.

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Rankings and traffic don't pay your bills. Leads and sales pay

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your bills. A good SEO should talk about conversion

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improvements, leads, sales sign ups.

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They should talk about revenue increases from organic traffic, return

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on your investment and ranking improvements for commercially

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valuable keywords. Keywords that make you money. Not just keywords

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that sound impressive. If they can't explain how their work connects to your

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business goals, they're not worth your money. It's as simple as that.

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Question 2 what specific changes will you make to my website?

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Vague promises of on page optimization or content

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enhancement aren't good enough. A professional should be able to give you a

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clear roadmap after reviewing your site. They should tell you about

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specific technical issues they've found and how they'll fix them. Content gaps

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they've identified and how they'll address them. Structural improvements they

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recommend. If they can't provide specifics, they probably haven't done

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their homework or they don't actually know what they're doing. Could even

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be both. Question 3 How do you stay updated with

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algorithm changes? SEO changes constantly.

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Google made thousands of algorithm updates last year. Ask

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potential SEOs how they stay informed. Look for answers that

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mention specific industry sources. Testing on their own

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sites, professional networks, ongoing education.

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Be really wary of those who claim they just know what works without

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explaining how they adapt. That's not expertise, that's arrogance.

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What happens if we don't see results within six months or a year?

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This question will reveal their confidence and their accountability.

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Good SEOs will discuss what might be quick wins versus what takes longer.

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They'll explain their review process for strategies that aren't working.

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They'll tell you how they adapt based on performance data. If

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they get defensive or only offer vague reassurances about SEO

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taking time, they probably don't have confidence in their own abilities.

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And if they don't believe in themselves, why should you?

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And let's cover quickly what's usually a complete waste of your

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budget.

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And let's cover quickly what's usually a complete waste of your

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budget. The services that sound impressive but deliver nothing.

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Link building packages. We'll build 50 high quality

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backlinks for 500 pounds. No,

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quality links don't come from bulk packages. They come from

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mentions earned through good content, business relationships and

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genuine pr. What you get from those packages is

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directory submissions to irrelevant sites, low

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quality posts on farms, comment spam, and private

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blog network links that violate Google's guidelines. These

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links range from useless to actively harmful.

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Google is not stupid. It can spot artificial link

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building a mile off and the penalties can

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devastate your visibility. Social Media Followers

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While social signals might indirectly benefit SEO,

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most social packages sold as SEO services

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are worthless. Bought followers who never engage Fake

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accounts Generic posting with no strategic purpose

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Unless social media directly drives your business, these services

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rarely deliver anything worth paying for. And anything Black

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hat cloaking, hidden text, spammy doorway pages,

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keyword stuffing paid links on dodgy sites. These

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techniques might work briefly, but when? And I'm not saying

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if, I'm saying when. When Google catches on, the

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penalties are severe and long lasting. Don't let

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anyone talk you into shortcuts. There are no shortcuts in

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SEO, just hard work and patience. So

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that's part one. You now know how to spot the wankers,

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the questions that make them squirm, and the services that will drain your budget

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without delivering results. But do you know what? Not everyone in

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SEO is a chancer. There are genuine experts out there who

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deliver real value. The question is how do you find them?

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And what does good SEO look like? Next week

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I'm going to show you exactly what good SEO looks like.

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The services that actually deliver value, how to find

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legitimate help, what SEO should cost in the UK

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and I'm going to give you numbers. Not it depends Waffle

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how long it takes and why SEO isn't a one off job no matter

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what anyone tells you. If you've been burned before or you're

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nervous about hiring someone, Part two is going to give you everything

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you need to make a smart decision. And if this helped, don't

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keep it to yourself. Make sure you're following SEO Fucking what? In whichever app

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you're listening to right now. And don't miss part two Next week, share it

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with a mate who's about to hire an SEO. You could save them a fortune.

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If you've got a question, feel free to pop me in DM on LinkedIn

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or send me an email. But until next time, don't get ripped off and

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I'll see you in part two.